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In a Rut

I'm in a rut“Am I depressed?”  The words actually surprised me and my husband’s answer wasn’t necessary.  The stunned look on his face and the silence that followed told me everything: I’ve changed.  Not so much that he worries, but enough that alteration is palpable.

I’m not depressed.  I don’t have any of the symptoms of depression.  I don’t feel helpless or hopeless.  I see light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m happy with where my life is headed and excited for the future.  I feel joy, albeit, a strange, subdued version.

We’ve been displaced from our home for months.  Most everything we own is in a storage unit- some of it accessible, some of it not.  This winter was the coldest, rainiest, sickest I’ve known and the allergies this spring have kept me from venturing out.  My desk is a mess.  My finances are a mess.  My life is a mess.  Each day has become a countdown.  It’s no longer May 11th, it’s 24 days until the school year is over (praise God).

Truth be told, I’m looking forward more to the end of school than my children are.  I groan with each notice that comes home.  Each event and meeting is just one more thing to slog through.  And I find myself, most mornings, begging my husband to take them to school because I can’t bear to leave the house.

For the record, “you’re in a rut,” was his reply.  “You aren’t motivated anymore.  You don’t have things where you need them.”

I am in a rut.  Building the house has been a joy, but after so many months, my instinct now is to take each delay as something personal.

We were supposed to be moving in June 6th, the day after the kids get out of school (I was running a countdown for that too.  It’s 25 days from now).  But we’re delayed.  Again.

I saw a little bird outside today and it pained me.  I had a sudden flash of homesickness, of our old house and the little bird feeder and the dozens of finches that would sit outside my office window all day chirping happily.  Those days were so carefree and full of promise.  They were productive.

My problems are first worldly.  I know it.  And I’m not depressed.  But I’m in a rut that seems to be growing ever longer, waiting to have something to focus on.

Christine

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4 thoughts on “In a Rut

  1. TwoPlusCute says:

    Woah, woah, woah.

    Let me give you an online hug. I will go check your building posts after I am done hugging you here.

    I think, that first world or not, un-happiness doesn’t care and it feels as bad.
    Here is how I imagine your situation:
    – You are damn exhausted.
    – You are legitimately overwhelmed by the excruciating/hige/very big costs. This is not a laughing matter. Actually, nothing that you mentioned is a laughing matter.
    – You are *homeless* in a way and worse, stuck in a delay-limbo. That can be frustrating. Very frustrating.
    – Visual clutter and mess, can be crippling. Mentally and then physically, too. Not all people are as affected by it but, some do (I am one of those and I get upset and angry by mess).

    I am not trying to put words in your mouth, I just describe how I understand this post. I hope I don’t sound too preachy. If I do, I am sorry, it really is not my intention. The best I can tell you is what we tell to new mothers: “it will get better”.

    As a super final resort: If the finances remain overwhelming, remember you can get out of it, sell the house and buy something smaller until you can breath again. What I mean is, don’t get locked in it if you can’t afford it or don’t want to struggle. The option is always there to move. Sometimes when we invest to a thing, we are reluctant to let it go in time to save our wallet and sanity.
    But that is a subject you know better about and you can tackle it after you actually move in. 🙂

    Back to the house/life issues, you were already a busy mother, with a ton of obligations and the house construction was a lot to handle even on its own. You are not doing anything wrong, anybody would be overwhelmed.

    Do what it takes to survive the next couple of months. There will be birds in this house too. Even if you don’t get all the updates you want right now, even better: you will slowly but surely, beautify the house over the course of time. And it will be worth it. 🙂

    Let me give you one more hug.

    1. Christine says:

      You are too incredibly sweet, my friend. Thank you for the words of encouragement. 🙂

      I pushed through the mortgage paperwork issue, checked out and ate a LOT of chocolate. I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes, you just gotta walk away for bit, I guess.

  2. Jean says:

    Aw, it is very hard and frustrating to wait on things beyond your control. Hang in there!

    1. Christine says:

      Thanks Jean. 🙂

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